Pussy?
how
Wat do u mean how?
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
