i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
The air was thick with penises
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
