new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
