ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
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