i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Randomize
