i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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