Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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