then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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