oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I could fuck to npr.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
