just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
