She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
