Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
Randomize
