my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
