How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
