The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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