My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
