Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
