at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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