Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
