her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
