Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
you inspire me to be a worse person
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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