They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
