I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
