the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
