I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
