We're like a lot better than the average bears
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
