I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
