I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
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