i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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