i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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