i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
