I am spending my child support on dildos
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
