you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
