i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
