What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
