I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize