i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
