He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
