Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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