Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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