I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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