I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Randomize
