drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Randomize
