Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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