Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
