I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
