proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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