i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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