Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
