you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Randomize
