He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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