Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
