I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
