He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
