It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize