If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Randomize
