I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
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