i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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